Since then, I've been in one city the whole time. Five months. Only São Paulo. It was a relief at first. No flights. No cars. No bags to pack. I got to settle into home.
Lately, though, I've felt something different. An itch. I want to get back out there. This big continent. The bottom of the planet.
It will never be this close or this cheap (in comparison) again.
In my ultra-unscientific opinion, here's the top ten places worth visiting in South America and my thoughts on each.
10. Machu Picchu, Peru
I rank Machu Picchu at the bottom of the list because I've never really had any interest in going there. I think my reason is this: Look at the above picture. How many pictures of Machu Picchu have you ever seen that aren't from this exact same angle?
Now, I'm sure you could find some on Google and send them to me. And maybe your friend has some from his trip last year. I don't care. Machu Picchu is like that annoying girl we all know who has to take every photo with her head tilted a certain way. She's convinced it's her best angle.
Added to the trouble is that I've always thought of Machu as being a suburb of Peru's capital city, Lima. Not so. It's no where close to Lima or anything else. That means long rides in the mountains, and in South America that means tightly-packed vans with strangers. Count me out.
Also, there's altitude sickness to cope with and I'm not going to play around with that stuff. I've heard enough horror stories over the years to know it has to be the most disrespected medical condition out there. Thin air + Any exercise and/or one drop of alcohol = Big trouble.
I have to say the thing that most intrigues me about Machu is its recent phenomenon of streakers. It's become such a problem, the Peruvian government has actually had to publicly ask tourists to stop getting naked there. This I would like to see. Something that definitely will not be captured from just one angle.
Verdict: Can almost guarantee I'll never have the chance to take the picture above or streak it.
9. Buenos Aires, Argentina
Argentina is Brazil's Maryland. Or it's my new Maryland, anyway.
If this analogy doesn't make sense to you, replace the word Maryland with your city/state/country's dreaded rival. Or go to Northern Virginia and ask anyone you meet to break it down for you.
Buenos Aires was the toast of the continent a few decades ago. It's since fallen on hard times. Luckily for 99.8% of the world that doesn't live there, this means big savings. Buenos Aires, once you get there, is dirt cheap. I'm talking US $50 per night for a four-star hotel cheap.
I do want to see the Good Airs while I'm in the neighborhood, but it's unlikely I'll go just for the heck of it. Hopefully, I can roll it in as a layover to destinations elsewhere.
Verdict: Ehh.
8. Cartagena, Colombia
Cartagena is one of those places where people say, "You just gotta go! You gotta go!"
The Caribbean is a pretty undeniable force of beauty. And Colombia, with its distanced troubled past, looks like a fun spot to let loose. The colorful Spanish architecture of Cartagena makes everything go down even easier.
Best of all, Cartagena is located--according to my map--exactly at the halfway point between me and you (if you're reading this on the Mid-Atlantic coast).
So, who wants to meet up?
Verdict: Just waiting on you.
7. Santiago, Chile
I don't know a lot about Santiago. It may be an exciting place or a boring one. I rank it here because I'm also lumping in the Andes Mountains.
Chile is one of those amazing places that mixes sea and cliffs. One weekend in Santiago with a rental car means both world-class skiing and some splashing around. I want to see it, baby.
Verdict: Gotta get there before an earthquake surely wipes it from the planet.
6. Iguazu Falls
Iguazu Falls, located on the border of Argentina and Brazil, is hard to be ambivalent about. Just look at it. How many other vertical bodies of water do people declare as Better Than Niagara Falls? Not many.
But I ask this, after exploring Iguazu Falls, is there a nearby disaster-prone professional football team I can watch? Not exactly a full-fledged vacation now, is it?
Verdict: Go Bills.
5. Fernando de Noronha, Brazil
I had never heard of Fernando de Noronha before I met Dani. When I asked her about honeymoon spots and she mentioned it, my eyes narrowed. Even as she described it, I didn't know what she was talking about.
I Googled the place and within minutes the matter was settled. No other applicants needed.
Now when we tell Brazilians where we're going, their eyes light up and their mouths pucker into a little O. "Oooouuuhhhhh," they say. "Beleza."
Fernando is a seven-square-mile island located several hours off the coast of Brazil just a hair below the Equator. There's very few people or things to see there. The island is a prized environmental jewel that nature desperately wants to keep out of the dirty hands of humans.
The amount of people allowed onto the island at any time is heavily regulated by the government. Its surrounding reefs and aquatic wildlife form a delicate ecosystem. Because of this, humans have to actually pay a fine for every day they're there. Why? Because they're, well, humans.
It's this kind of seclusion that recently won Fernando the ranking of World's Best Beach.
Like a three year old who wants so badly to hold a puppy even though we don't realize how tight our grip is, still we humans try to go there. Dani and I are lucky to get the chance. Fernando isn't cheap to get to when you're in Brazil. From beyond Brazil, outrageous.
We're going to make the most of the opportunity.
Verdict: See you shortly, sweetheart.
4. Easter Island, Chile
Easter Island is right up there with Greenland, Svalbard and Tasmania as places me and probably everyone else never expects to go to. This expert-level Stonehenge is not an easy or cheap trip, even from Chile.
And once you're there, what are supposed to do? I don't know. I mean, is there anything there other than the big heads? Who cares. How insane would it be to strike a pose with these straight-faced characters?
Verdict: Sure would be awesome. Probably won't happen.
3. The Amazon Rainforest
Spend a few minutes reading anything about the Amazon and it's hard not to be fascinated.
For me, the literary exploration was Candice Millard's "The River of Doubt." It tells the story of Theodore Roosevelt's journey up an unmapped Amazon tributary AFTER his presidency.
Millard spends much of the book writing about the unparalleled cross section of nature that is every square foot of the Amazon Rainforest. Her stuff should replace each Earth Science textbook I was assigned growing up that yawned through the subject matter.
The story also completely scared me away from ever setting foot in this jungle. Whether it's the flesh-ripping piranhas, the clouds of eye-sucking flies or that one little critter that loves to burrow--and then balloon up--inside of a man's only non-negotiable, the message was delivered loud and clear: Humans don't belong there.
If there's one argument for anything Green, it's the Amazon. Come on, folks. We've only got one of these.
Verdict: Thanks but no thanks.
2. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
The way I describe Rio is this: If there were no humans on Earth, and aliens landed here, Rio would be the first place they set up.
The Marvelous City is something every man, woman and child should see. Unlike the above mentioned Machu Picchu, when you're in Rio, the city never looks the same. Depending on the street you're driving/the hotel window you're looking out of/the beach you're laying on, you are seeing something completely different. Something brand new. Something that you have to photograph and share with others.
Rio has 10,000 different poses. Every one of them is a supermodel.
Brazilians have this expression they often lament about their country (and its flaws): "Brazil is the country of the future and it always will be." The same could be said about Rio. If Rio can ever put on the tuxedo its worthy of, it will unquestionably be the greatest city in the world.
Verdict: US $130 roundtrip flights daily.
1. Patagonia
There are few things I've ever wanted to do as badly as I want to go to the bottom of planet, home of Patagonia. I've been looking at it a lot, especially lately.
Like some other places on this list, there's no cheap way to get there, even from here. Worse yet: Kayak loves to play this joke on me where I search dozens and dozens of flights, finally find an itinerary for under US $500, click it, and then it says, "Sorry. This fare is no longer available. The new fare is $5834896298346928349623.
Good one, Kayak.
Patagonia makes me want to do things I can't describe. It makes me want to do whatever that ineffable thing is that we as humans do. Plot. Discover. Lust.
I want to get lost in it. I want to evaporate into it. I want to pull my rental car over, get out, take a picture of Dani with a penguin, steer back onto a road where we've seen no one else for hours, and then just drive at the mountains as hard as I can. As hard as a car can go. As hard as the world will allow.
Verdict: Kayak, please, just this once.
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