"Oh," I say, realizing the problem. I lean in and kiss his wife. The world starts spinning again. Now we can eat.
Nobody kisses as much as Brazilians. It's everywhere. I've seen more young couples than I can count going at it on the Metro. I've seen two 45-year-olds attack each other hungrily at an outdoor cafe. In all cases, everyone around seemed oblivious to it but me. Two months later, I'm still a little in awe of it all.
As a man in Brazil, regardless of where you're from, you are a part of a social contract that guarantees two things: 1. You get to kiss every girl you meet. 2. Every guy you meet gets to kiss your girl. Yes, it's on the cheek, but it's often so close to the mouth that there's little left to the imagination.
Refuse to participate in this contract, be you a man or a woman, and you'll be labeled as "cold," which is basically the opposite of what every Brazilian strives to be. I had to calm Dani down on one occasion when she forgot to kiss someone. "They're going to think I'm cold!" she fretted. It's like being reduced to the same social status as a browning head of lettuce.
While many parts of Europe and Latin America do the cheek kiss thing, Danville, VA, where I grew up, definitely did not. Kissing another man's wife is just about the last thing you would ever want to go around doing. I still have to make a conscious effort here to remember to go in for the gold when saying hello.
What's been more unexpected is the way that Brazilians go at it in public. In shopping malls, on the streets and especially on the Metro for some reason, it is apparently game on here all the time for the young and in love. This extends to all couples, as Sampa is one of the most gay-friendly places I've ever been. Same sex couples are as publicly forward as anyone else. Dani has even entered a public ladies room that she immediately realized was "occupied."
If you're single here and hitting the local scene, bring some breath mints. Brazilians that meet in bars or clubs and don't kiss within a short time of saying hello are understood to have no future together. The attraction needs to be automatic and tested immediately or otherwise what's the point? For a country that knows how to waste a ton of time, this is one area where they are uber efficient.
It's important to mention, though, that this social practice does not in any way mean Brazilian women are sexually promiscuous. Going home with a guy you've just met is far less acceptable here than in the US. I liked the way one of Dani's friends living in America gave her opinion on the difference: "American girls will sleep with you before they kiss you."
If you're down with first base only then it's high times for you here. Festivals like Carnaval raise the ante even higher. I've seen with my own eyes a sober guy walk up to a sober girl on the street and within about ten seconds they were making out like they just said, "I do." The World Cup this June will probably be a month-long stretch of this kind of spirit. Game on, Brazil.
In general, if you're an open and happy person, it's easy to embrace Brazil's kiss culture, even if it takes a little getting used to. It's further proof these people are some of the happiest on the planet. They kiss with every hello, and so it naturally makes sense that women end every single phone conversation with the word beijos, meaning, "kisses."
Anonymous couple at Carnaval. I assume they just met.
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